Resisting Stigma and Homophobia: Gauri Sawant's Deposition, Delhi Panchayat
Director: Jeevanandhan Rajendran
Duration: 00:08:14; Aspect Ratio: 1.333:1; Hue: 10.902; Saturation: 0.335; Lightness: 0.253; Volume: 0.099; Words per Minute: 166.855
Summary: Action Plus, a network of 14 organisations working on HIV/AIDS in India, conducted a series of People’s Panchayats in 2009, which sought to understand people's battles against Stigma and Homophobia through the voices of survivors and resistors. The Panchayats sought to address the devaluation of livelihoods and life systems of entire communities of people who practice alternate sexualities, and the erosion of rights or dignity.
This series of People’s Panchayats was held in five cities in India. The first one was in Bangalore on January 28, 2009, the second in Hyderabad on February 6, 2009, the third in Chennai on March 21, 2009 and the fourth on April 11, 2009 in Pune. The fifth and final one was held in New Delhi on April 24, 2009.
Each of the Panchayats followed a similar structure. The interactive meetings were structured to have affected members from sexual minority communities share their personal experiences of living with stigma and homophobia. These were the deposers. Then the two-member expert panel shared their thoughts and ideas based on their experience in the field. The audience comprising of the general public, NGOs, media, opinion leaders and religious communities made their queries and comments at the end of the deposition. There was a brief audience interaction following which the jury or the panch gave its ‘verdict’.
Gauri Sawant, a deponent at the Delhi Panchayat, shares her personal story of the harassment and trauma she underwent at the hands of close family members when they discovered her non-traditional gender expression. Gauri speaks in detail about the manner in which she finally escaped the torture, and started to live on her own in Mumbai. Gauri, née Ganesh, then worked for Humsafar, an organisation dedicated to fighting for queer rights.
Delhi
My grandmother had told me once that paper flowers have no fragrance. I'll come back to this later. I still remember when my parents used to take me out somewhere and if I fell down and cried, they would say "Why are you crying like a girl?" My tears used to stop right there and I could feel them receding because I could not even cry openly. When they asked my younger sister what she wanted to be when she grew up, she said "police officer" but when I was asked, I said "a mother". I got a slap across my face for that. I felt it was very unfair that she could aspire to a man's profession but when I expressed my desire to be a mother, I was slapped. This is how I spent my childhood.
I was just like the other girls when I was a kid - all my friends used to be girls. When mom used to go to work, I would call my friends over, open the cupboard, wear a sari and a bindi and play "teacher-teacher" or "mummy-mummy". Gradually I felt an attraction towards boys but I didn't find it odd. It was very natural for me. I considered myself a girl. In standard 6th or 7th, when I started growing a moustache, I felt really angry. It felt strange that till we were in the 5th standard, girls and boys used to sit together and as soon as we went to the 6th standard, we were expected to sit separately. I used to sit right at the back but with the girls. The teacher used to come and say that "now you're old enough – you must sit with the boys", but sitting with the boys was very uncomfortable for me because I never considered myself to be a boy at all. Wearing pant-shirt was also very uncomfortable for me and I would wear a lungi as soon as I cam back from school. Dad was in the police and he would hit me with a belt – he was like Hitler – he was Hitler for me. I did not even feel like going home – in this atmosphere I managed to reach the 10th standard. In the 10th standard, my dad got hold of a love letter I had written and he was furious. My mom was not there but grandmother protected me by saying that he does not have a mother, he will grow up and change; he will get married and change. So when dad found the letter where I had written 'I love you' with my own blood (I was very influenced my Hindi cinema so I thought that if I wrote with blood, the boy I was in love with would appreciate how much I felt for him). So when dad got the letter he spoke to my sister and took me to a psychiatrist. There I was asked a lot of weird questions – asked a 15-16 year old whether I liked girls, they never asked whether I liked boys. They showed me nude pictures of women and asked me whether I felt like ejaculating. I was completely disgusted. Then he thought I was feeling restricted because of my dad's presence and sent my dad out. Then I asked him, "why are you showing me pictures of women? Don't you have pictures of men?" The doctor asked me "are you a bailiya"? I said yes, I'm a girl. Then he asked me to take off my clothes and examined my penis but I did not have the feeling to ejaculate. I had never masturbated and I could never imagine penetrating because I never felt like a man. I felt like a woman – I would bathe and urinate in a sitting posture. I had been kicked many a times and told that a guy should stand and piss. I felt agitated that I could not even pee privately! I used to put the latch of the door to prevent anyone from coming in and then sat down immediately to pee. We are disciplined on such small and private things as well. Like a Bonsai plant, I was being pruned to grow in one particular way. That's how my childhood was spent.
People's Panchayats on Resisting Stigma and Homophobia; Action Plus - a Coalition for Rights, Education and Care in HIV and AIDS. Gauri Sawant, a deponent at the Delhi Panchayat, shares her personal story of the harassment and trauma she underwent at the hands of her close family when they discovered her non-traditional gender expression. Gauri speaks in detail about the manner in which she finally escaped the torture, and started to live on her own in Mumbai. Gauri, née Ganesh, then worked for Humsafar, an organization dedicated to fighting for queer rights.
action plus
boy
castration
delhi
dic
doctor
family
ganesh sawant
gauri sawant
girl
hijra community
humsafar trust
people's panchayats on resisting stigma and homophobia
psychiatrist
sex education
shock treatment
suicide
transgender
Delhi, India
Delhi
Later they took me to more doctors, gave me a crew cut, and made me wear jeans and T-shirt. I was also continuing with my education then. Then at one point of time I started feeling suffocated. I felt I was in a cage. Then one day I left home. A boy who was used to living in a proper flat had to sleep on the Dadar platform. I had no money; I had some friends who bought me vada-pao. That night the police came and hit me with a stick because I did not have a ticket, only ten rupees in my pocket. I had had vada-sambhar with the seven rupees and saved three rupees to have cutting chai. I was feeling completely at a loss so I went to Humsafar Trust. I went to DIC and I was still spending the nights at the railway stations till some friends went and got clothes from home. I don't know what happened after that but I started being pulled into the Hijra community. Then I realized that this is not my place. If I considered myself a woman, then this was not my place. I used to feel ashamed of begging but to survive I had to do that. Then I spoke to Amma and she sent me for outreach and since I was really talkative I did very well and even got promoted to supervisor level. I got the highest salary of 2270 in that year. I was very happy and at that time someone had gifted me a mobile.I was harassed a lot at the time, beaten up, there was no stability in my life and I was not living the way I wanted to. I took some money from Amma and hired a place for myself. I had no utensils to cook in. you can imagine what cooking a 16-17 year old would know. I just had one utensil and I would make Maggi and tea in the same bowl. But I was happy because the nameplate bore my name – I had written Gauri with nail polish. My actual name was Ganesh and I had named myself Gauri so I was very pleased that it was my identity and my name on the door. When my relatives came to know, my uncle's son came and saw that I had grown my hair and started doing my eye-brows and he beat me and asked my neighbours to not rent me another house here.
People's Panchayats on Resisting Stigma and Homophobia; Action Plus - a Coalition for Rights, Education and Care in HIV and AIDS. Gauri Sawant, a deponent at the Delhi Panchayat, shares her personal story of the harassment and trauma she underwent at the hands of her close family when they discovered her non-traditional gender expression. Gauri speaks in detail about the manner in which she finally escaped the torture, and started to live on her own in Mumbai. Gauri, née Ganesh, then worked for Humsafar, an organization dedicated to fighting for queer rights.
action plus
boy
castration
delhi
dic
doctor
family
ganesh sawant
gauri sawant
girl
hijra community
humsafar trust
people's panchayats on resisting stigma and homophobia
psychiatrist
sex education
shock treatment
suicide
transgender
action plus
boy
castration
delhi
dic
doctor
family
ganesh sawant
gauri sawant
girl
hijra community
humsafar trust
people's panchayats on resisting stigma and homophobia
psychiatrist
sex education
shock treatment
suicide
transgender
Delhi
I faced more problems, they locked me up at home, gave me shock treatments, and a whole lot of other problems – I even tried to commit suicide twice. At last dad got tired and asked me to leave. I started to go and live with the Hijra community but it was not easy there either. The transition from male to female was not so easy – they asked me to grind some garlic and make it as thin a consistency as kohl. They used to beat me up so I got angry and left – I went to Humsafar again. If I speak about the transgender community, if we want to have ourselves castrated, there is no mean to do that, there is no sex education in the schools so children are not in the know about it. A lot of torture is rampant but we have spoken at length about that – now we are not crying anymore but are strong and we want you to become a part of our struggle. You are a mirror to the society – it will see what you will show them. Think about us and come to a good conclusion. Now for the answer to the statement that my grandmother had made – that the paper flowers don't have any fragrance – but my answer to that is that paper flowers do not wither away either. I'm going to always remain like this.
People's Panchayats on Resisting Stigma and Homophobia; Action Plus - a Coalition for Rights, Education and Care in HIV and AIDS. Gauri Sawant, a deponent at the Delhi Panchayat, shares her personal story of the harassment and trauma she underwent at the hands of her close family when they discovered her non-traditional gender expression. Gauri speaks in detail about the manner in which she finally escaped the torture, and started to live on her own in Mumbai. Gauri, née Ganesh, then worked for Humsafar, an organization dedicated to fighting for queer rights.
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